I’m not here to flatter you. I show you what you truly desire. And let me tell you—it’s horrifying.

You think your reflection’s noble? Try again. One raccoon stared into me and whispered “eternal lasagna.” A squirrel begged for abs to impress a flamingo. A sweaty sock—yes, an actual sock—locked eyes with me and saw itself being lovingly sniffed by an army of enchanted crocs.

Do you know what it’s like being ogled all day by emotionally unstable rodents and desperate fruit flies? I do.

So wipe that longing look off your face. You’re not deep. You’re just gross. I’m a mirror, not a therapist. Keep your weird fantasies out of my glass.